Where I've been...

Well...if I could summarize why I've been absent for the last year it would go like this:

Shortly after my last blog post my son managed to hit his head on a post at the swimming pool resulting in him needing 5 staples, after this we spent a week in Florida on "vacation," when we got back I started having some itching, hives, and skin sensitivity that basically sent me down the rabbit hole psychologically and somewhat physically. Because my doctors couldn't figure out what was causing this debilitating itching I was sent hither and yon for tests and, consultations and overall psychological trauma. It's hard to explain...but basically I've become a full blown hypochondriac in the midst of all of this. I spent so much time fearing the results of the tests and evaluations each given doctor was administering that I started to lose my perspective on my own body.

I could talk about the details of this journey but I'll leave that for later posts. Suffice it to say this last year has been really dark for me...in the last while I seem to be seeing rays of light...

From Almond milk to epiphany...

I made fresh, raw, almond milk for the first time today. I've made a number of recipes that called for it but since I didn't have any nut milk bags I had shied away from this ingredient, and substituted something else. However, I've been wanting to make some vegan yogurt for the good bacteria benefits and so I decided to make my own almond milk. The yogurt is "incubating" as we speak...I'll give a report on that at a later date. But the milk is fabulous...I love it...

What I love the most about eating/living raw is how invigorated I feel by the process. Not just because my body is being fueled in the best way possible but also psychologically. The act and "ritual" of eating raw is interesting, fun and liberating. It's like a whole new world has opened up to me. I'm fairly sure, based on what I've read, that my experience with this lifestyle shift is not unique to me. However, my guess is that you come to raw eating because you're already searching for something. You're hungry (pun intended) and you are primed for a new paradigm. I like the view from here I hope it stays.

Birthdays aren't what they used to be...

I turned 34 this past weekend. I had a lovely birthday. My parents took me out to dinner the night before. I got some nice gifts. I went to see "Wicked" on my birthday with two cool ladies and then that evening I went out to dinner with my husband. I felt celebrated. However, none of that can hold a candle to the way I used to feel and experience my birthdays when I was younger...and by younger I mean between the ages of 6 and 18. In those days, birthdays were full of pomp and excitement and treasures. The truth is that I'm not certain that the actual mechanics of my birthdays are all that different. There is still usually some small gathering of people who are important to me, there's usually a decadent dessert and the presents are by far more decadent now than they were then. So, why aren't they the same? I guess it's simple. It's something that I've wrote about on here before. As we age we tend to lose the wonder and joy that is so easily attached to things when we are young. Why is that? I WANT THAT BACK! Is there really any good reason why I shouldn't feel as excited about my birthday this year as I did when was 10? I think I'll aim for that next year...or maybe even a little bit of that in every day life starting today.

Well...

Let me get this out there right away. I am absolutely horrible at blogging/journaling. Not because I can't think of anything to say (obviously) but because I lack the ability to sit down and hammer it out most of the time!

I have basically been raw for a little over a month now. I have had a few, very small, detours when having some salad dressing eating out and on my recent weekend getaway to visit friends. However, I would say that overall I'm about 95% raw. It is definitely difficult at times but overall I would describe this lifestyle shift as fantastic. I am definitely noticing benefits from this. My skin is clearer, I am sleeping better and I'm losing weight. I am seeing a homeopathic physician and she was blown away by the improvement in my blood results...so I'm inspired.

Even in this short time I'm learning how to tweak this way of eating for my enjoyment and benefit. I have lots of raw food books and recipes. I am finding that when I stick too closely to any one regimen or concoction it doesn't quite suit me. I'm learning...

For the random person who may stumble upon this blog the following are some important things I've learned starting out. There are a few items I've purchased that have made this change for me much easier. Those items are my Excalibur Food Dehydrator and some books (several paper form books sand a number of e-books). The books are fairly self explanatory; they've provided me with tons of information on what to expect, what to try and why I should do this. The dehydrator has provided me with far greater options for eating choices as well as making it possible to have items akin to corn chips and breads which have been staples of my diet for a very long time. I already owned a nice food processor which is something I could not have done without at this point. One item I did not yet invest in, that I'm glad I held off on, was a fancy blender. A month ago, when I was just starting out, many of the books I read and websites I perused made going raw without an expensive powerful blender sound next to impossible. This is definitely not true. About a year ago my fairly nice Kitchen Aid blender gave up the ghost. Being in a bit of a money crunch at the time I chose to buy a very inexpensive Oster blender (I think it was a little over $20) to tide me over for a few years. This is the blender I have been using so far in going raw. It's been absolutely fine. Now I have no doubt (from having used them before) that a Vita-Mix or the like might be a little faster and sometimes get things a little smoother. But for the price difference of somewhere around $400 or so I'll deal with my Oster for awhile. Don't get me wrong, one day I'd like to have that fancy powerful blender but it is not a necessity right now the way my dehydrator and food processor are. The other item I'm using somewhat frequently, but I would not consider a necessity is a juicer. I had a stroke of good luck in finding out my parents had a Champion juicer that they are not using and were happy to let me use. I have only done a little juicing with it in actuality. I've mostly used it as an emulsifier to make some very yummy, ice cream-like desserts.

Well, there it is...I've done a month of raw and I'm a convert. If you're actually reading this and would like more info from me feel free to contact me =)

I CAN TASTE!!!!

I haven't posted for the last few days since I couldn't taste and had little to report on my adventures in raw other than that I'm eating it =) However, as of late yesterday and mostly today I can smell some and taste again. It's awesome! Anyway...I've been starting my mornings with a green smoothie...very good...weird getting used to the strong green color and awareness of leafy greens in my smoothie, but nonetheless good. By lunch time I am ravenous. I've had a few different things, some sprouted lentil soup, salad, and raw burritos. The soup was very good...but very spicy as it had jalapeno, garlic and onion in it. I'm noticing raw recipes in general to be on the strong side in regards to flavor. I am assuming this is meant to compensate for, well, something. I've found that toning some of the recipes down in regards to garlic or onion or something else equally strong has helped a little. Don't' get me wrong, I am usually a garlic and onion fiend, but having any one flavor taking over completely isn't my cup of tea.

Anyway, tonight I wanted some california rolls, not particularly vegan/raw friendly as rice is especially important in the california roll since it's what "disguises" the nori on the outside. I decided to improvise. I used a little raw "cream" from Juliano's cream sushi recipe on the outside of the nori to stick broccoli sprouts to the nori. It turned out semi-ok. It was definitely messy but still tasty.

Overall, I'm doing ok. I've found I'm not eating enough as I'm having these major hunger swings an hour or more after some meals that leave me wanting to devour everything in sight. We'll see...

Having a cold is not helping...but maybe it is...

So I've had this horrific cold for about 10 days now. Three days into it I lost my sense of smell...and so largely my sense of taste (I'm assuming temporarily until I am completely well). Last night I started my latest venture into raw food. I mad this "pasta" of squash and zucchini with a creamy sauce. My husband, ever long suffering for my experiments, is coming along for the ride with raw. I ate my supper...reasonably enjoyably for not being able to taste much more than salt and slight sweet and experience nice textures. He did not enjoy so much =( The recipe called for miso, white miso to be specific, which he's since concluded he doesn't like...the frustrating part is I don't have any idea if I like it. I've had miso before...but not in this way...and I don't remember it well anyway. But I truly can not taste it at all...other than the saltiness...FRUSTRATING!

This morning I made a green smoothie with Mango, Beet Greens, Spirulina, little agave syrup, water and lemon juice. It tasted good...well the sweetness and the texture did...I'm wondering if I would feel the same way if I could smell...I'm hoping so.

Raw...again...

So...about 8 years ago I was first introduced to a raw diet by a fellow classmate. She had found that it had transformed her life. The reason we ended up talking about it was that she would eat dinner (that she brought with her) right before class. I always commented on how good her food smelled. To make a long story short, I ended up diving into a relatively small trial of raw food eating. Well, I was younger then...newly married...less educated...and I didn't stick with it.

I've decided to have another go at it. Fortunately for me it's eight years later and the internet has exploded with raw food resources. Now in case there's any confusion this is a vegan raw food diet, not one of those that is based on eating lots of raw meat and eggs.

I have no idea if anyone is even still reading this blog...but if you are and want to "rap" (LOL) about a raw food diet...well, drop me a line =)

Stay tuned...I'll keep you posted.

Feeling festive...

I am really enjoying being in the city this time of year. There is an air of festivity and anticipation that I have not felt for a long time now. It's nice. There are people out and about...there are things happening...I feel like "we" are part of a communal holiday. It's funny how I find myself adjusting to change. Initially after moving 700 miles across the country I found myself yearning for the familiar: my house, my yard, routes and places I have been many times. I still long for that sometimes, particularly on difficult days. But as more time goes by I find myself attaching to new places and things. Mostly what I feel differently about is the future...it looks different but it's not quite as predictable or as limited as I had planned and while at times it's unsettling, it often makes me feel like I'm living in a much more full and present way.

An Emergency Room Anecdote...

You may or may not know that I spent some time, this past weekend, as a patient in an Emergency Care Center and then later an Emergency Room. Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I have spent many hours working in several different emergency rooms so I know that my experience was not in any way atypical.

I arrived at the Emergency Care Center around 2am. I was given a cursory exam. It was determined that I needed some tests (a cat scan and cbc to be specific). I was promptly placed on IV fluids and offered pain medication (which I declined). Nothing remarkable or notable happened for the next couple hours as we waited for my body to ingest the Barium to facilitate the cat scan.

Around 4:45am the cat scan results didn’t appear to indicate a need for surgery but the physician is not confident in making that call alone. He would like me to receive a surgical consult, which he says must be done at the ER and requires me to transfer to another facility. Keep in mind that I am in little to no pain at this point. I am able to move of my own volition and power. But, I too want to be sure that we make the right choice and I agree to the consult. Unfortunately, my husband and I only have one car for our family that broke down earlier that day, not to mention he is at home alone with my 3.5 year old (who is asleep). I explain this to the doctor and tell him I’ll call for a taxi to take me to the ER. He then says, “Oh, you don’t have to do that. You can go by ambulance.” Those of you who are in the medical field probably have a good idea of what this means, not only in regards to hassle, resources and work for the system, but also financially for either, me, the hospital, my insurance, or the state. I express my reluctance to use the ambulance option. The doctor jokes that the taxi is likely to be much quicker anyway and agrees to my plan.

When I was last transported by ambulance (my head wound in 2005) it ended up costing my then lame insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield) about $600 and me another $500. The taxi ride I took this weekend cost $15.

In an attempt to make a long story short I will skip some of the details that lend further evidence (beyond the ambulance debacle) to how inefficient and wasteful the traditional operations of this system are (prescription of iv narcotics I didn’t need, general malaise in processing me through the system, and poor communications between ER staff and other departments). The more disturbing aspect of this whole thing for me is how often when I worked in an emergency setting I saw this very same thing happen to many people who not only didn’t have insurance, but also didn’t have the information to make better choices and ended up receiving services they didn’t need. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are lots of people who definitely do need those services and I am very grateful that they are available. But think how great it would be if those who didn’t need them didn’t get them and we could offer more to those who do.

Many times throughout my most recent experience at the ER I was relieved to know I had insurance, because there are times in my life when I have not. And for those of you who believe that not having insurance is a plight reserved for the illegal aliens, or well-fare families, or just general degenerates of society. I am an American citizen, born and raised in the USA. I am well educated (by most people’s standards) in that I completed an undergraduate degree (nearly two), went on to finish a graduate degree, and have a license to practice psychology. I have never been unemployed for more than 1 month since the age of 14 until I decided to be a stay-at-home mom to my now nearly four year old son. Even then I promptly purchased private insurance; which despite costing over $300/month only partially covered major medical expenses. I guess what I’m getting at is that those of you who stand in your very fragile and precarious ivory tower must have led a charmed life to have no sympathy for those who need the security and assurance that health care provides.

I appeal to your baser instincts in that the waste and inefficiency is costing you money. Those uninsured end up in the ER over and over and over (those of you in the medical field know this is true) and those of us paying our bills and taxes end up paying for that in one way or another anyway.

Why has being a humanitarian and stretching our dollars in different directions now become a concept that is so threatening to people?

This is personal...

…I had a miscarriage in January. This last month has been really hard for me because of that. We would have been bringing our new baby home in early August. Before this happened to me I thought that if you already had a child, a miscarriage, while sad, would not feel as painful as it does for people who don’t have any children. I’m certain there is some truth to that too. However, I think it also leads to different kinds of pain.

Of course I am sad that our family hasn’t been expanded with a new and unique personality. I yearn for the soft little head to cradle in my hands and kiss and nurture and love. What I did not completely expect was the pain I feel when I see other children with their siblings. I feel pangs of loss for my son and the relationship he doesn’t have … and may never have. I somehow feel like I have deprived him of something he deserves in life.

It seems strange how much of my energy now is completely invested in the happiness and success of someone else. I know all of the advice and wisdom out there on how you need to maintain your own identity and priorities in the face of motherhood but the deeper I get into this thing (motherhood) the more I’m not certain that is possible. Don’t get me wrong, I still have things I do, I enjoy and pursue…but it’s not the same…and it probably never will be. There will always be a part of me, as long as I am alive, who is living for my child. This recent loss reminds of that, and in some ways brings to the forefront another mourning in my life; the one for my old self. The one when it was “just me.” The one who went to movies at midnight and slept in on the weekends and planned vacations that did not include “kid friendly accommodations.” The me who went to graduate school and believed that I had time and resources (not money) to do whatever I wanted in life. I miss her.