This is personal...

…I had a miscarriage in January. This last month has been really hard for me because of that. We would have been bringing our new baby home in early August. Before this happened to me I thought that if you already had a child, a miscarriage, while sad, would not feel as painful as it does for people who don’t have any children. I’m certain there is some truth to that too. However, I think it also leads to different kinds of pain.

Of course I am sad that our family hasn’t been expanded with a new and unique personality. I yearn for the soft little head to cradle in my hands and kiss and nurture and love. What I did not completely expect was the pain I feel when I see other children with their siblings. I feel pangs of loss for my son and the relationship he doesn’t have … and may never have. I somehow feel like I have deprived him of something he deserves in life.

It seems strange how much of my energy now is completely invested in the happiness and success of someone else. I know all of the advice and wisdom out there on how you need to maintain your own identity and priorities in the face of motherhood but the deeper I get into this thing (motherhood) the more I’m not certain that is possible. Don’t get me wrong, I still have things I do, I enjoy and pursue…but it’s not the same…and it probably never will be. There will always be a part of me, as long as I am alive, who is living for my child. This recent loss reminds of that, and in some ways brings to the forefront another mourning in my life; the one for my old self. The one when it was “just me.” The one who went to movies at midnight and slept in on the weekends and planned vacations that did not include “kid friendly accommodations.” The me who went to graduate school and believed that I had time and resources (not money) to do whatever I wanted in life. I miss her.