Baggage

This term is thrown around so often and in so many different contexts nowadays that it’s not always easy to know what this term means anymore. Let me tell you what it means to me. Baggage to me is the junk we carry around (literally or figuratively) that in our most insecure moments makes up what we think is reality and who we think we are. I am very deliberate when I indicate it’s what we “think,” in those vulnerable moments; not necessarily what is true.

I realize this sounds complicated. I realize many of you may not have interest in delving into this subject. But it may be worth your time. People change, really they do. Despite the fact that you may believe and feel and act in some of the same ways you did days, weeks and years ago, you’re not the same person you were then. This means you have to make understanding yourself and those around you an ongoing process. This means that sometimes you let go of that baggage you hold onto about yourself and others. It also means you may be disappointed sometimes. They and you may do exactly what they and you did before, but maybe not. Unless you give yourself and others the room, faith, hope and possibility of being different no one never will be, at least not for you in the reality you create.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” It’s true. If you want something different from yourself or someone else YOU have to do something different too. Maybe it’s time we packed up those suitcases with what we’ve always done and incinerate them or something.

One boy's Valentine's Day festivities...

So I dutifully went to the gym this morning, hoping to start my Valentine's Day out right. So, the gym that I go to has an elevated track. Half of the track overlooks the cardio equipment one floor below. The other half overlooks the gymnasium, also one floor below. The cardio equipment was packed and busy as usual. In the gymnasium were a large group of girls, between the ages of 10-14 practicing volleyball. I had been on the track for about 20 minutes when I noticed a young boy, probably about 12, walking in front of me. I was confused to notice that sometimes he would pass me running fairly fast only for me then to pass him a short while later as he was going very slow and kind of hugging the railing. I started paying more attention to his pattern. Eventually it dawned on me. He would run as fast as he could through the section overlooking the cardio equipment then followed by a very slow and attentive stroll that included gazing down into the gymnasium at the female volleyball players. I guess that's one way of enjoying your Valentine's Day! Hope you all have good ones.

When will I stop being so naive?

Generally I don't think of myself as naive. I've seen a fair number of things in my 32+ years. I certainly don't go around expecting the best of people most of the time. However, this last reality check has been a real doozy. Most of you who know me and my family are aware that we've been through some rough times in the last month. I won't reiterate all of the details here but suffice it to say we are reorienting our life in a big way. Those who have put us in this situation have led me to ask the question with which I titled this post. These were my errors:

• I believed the promises they made to me and my family.
• I assumed their interest in me and my family was genuine.
• I gave them the benefit of the doubt when their actions and choices were questionable.
• I failed to heed the warnings their reputations denoted.
• I believed the feelings and energy we had invested in their lives and well-being would be valued.

So...I was had. Now the question is: was it my fault? Should I have known better or would having been that cynical have ruined other things for me?

I'm left with other questions though: when will I stop feeling so hurt, betrayed, angry and frustrated over how I was treated? When will I no longer wake up in the night having imaginary conversations with them trying to help them see how little integrity they have and what a sad existence they have carved out for themselves? When will I look back on this blog post with a sense of peace? When? Anyone have any answers?