...the pressure. I feel like I need to write something. And, I'm really self-conscious about what I write. Lots of things have been "going on" in my life, but none of them seem blog worthy. Leif got his first hair cut and did a lot of screaming, we got rid of our "spare" washer and dryer, Frasier got new feeding dishes. Clearly there's too much excitement in my life to report on any one thing. My friend Michael has the ridiculously obscure and clever market cornered in his blog (see "This is stupid" link) so I can't go that route.
Maybe I should just get down to what I'm avoiding. I'm turning 32 next week. Doesn't that seem outrageous? I am now an age that I at least vaguely remember my parents being. How could I be there already? Have I done enough already? Do I have enough energy to do anything else? Having a toddler definitely makes me question that last one.
Really, overall, I'm pretty satisfied with my life when I stop to think about it. I never had extremely specific expectations about my adulthood. I thought I'd grow up and be happy; the specifics of that were pretty up in the air. That probably accounts for my satisfaction: I haven't been disappointed. Sure I'd like some things to be different...
- I'd like my parents to live closer to me.
- I wish that I had gotten more sleep over the last 2.5 years.
- I'd like to live in a bigger/nicer house with more than one bathroom.
- I'd like to be in better physcial shape/health.
But mostly I have a lot of really great things in my life...
- I have an astonishingly smart, sweet and vivacious child
- I have an intelligent, loyal and well employed husband =)
- I am really close to my family
- I have some very good friends
- I finished my Masters degree
- I am LOVING what little work I do outside the home (teaching)
- We have a really comfortable bed
- Leif sleeps through the night pretty consitently.
What I notice is that I wouldn't trade any of those good things for things I want or would wish. Ok I'd probably trade the bed and maybe even my job for having my parents closer and being in better shape. That's not doing too bad for almost 32.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The catalyst: A memorial
One catalyst for the conversation I had with my Dad that resulted in him telling me to write more was the recent death of my husband's and my friend Scott Merkel.
Erik and I met Scott in May of 2001, a few months before we were married. He was the listing realtor for the house that we later bought (and still live in). We were immediately impressed with the house and being new to the home purchasing experience probably didn't conceal our enthusiasm very well. Scott later told us that he knew we were going to make an offer. He said, "It was obvious." We were also impressed with Scott. He was easy to be around, funny, smart and bluntly honest (something that those of you who know me will understand I appreciate). That was the beginning of our friendship with Scott. Even though througout the coming years we didn't actually see him often it was always with delight that we spent time with him, his wife and later his daughter Lexie. Amanda, his wife, is such fun and full of life. Their daugther Lexie, so smart, thoughtful and sweet. One of my most cherished memories of time spent with them was when after many hours of laboring on the new flooring in our living room - Scott, Amanda and Lexie stopped by with the intention of giving Erik some pointers on what to do to finish/fix the floor. They ended up spending the rest of the evening with us. Scott and Erik diligently working on the floor while Amanda, Lexie and I watched Disney movies. I remember telling Amanda how I felt guilty that Scott was spending all this time working on our house and that we hadn't intended for him to do that. She made it clear that it wasn't a bother by saying, "Are you kidding? This is what he would rather be doing."
Despite the fact that our contact over the last several years has been sporadic, I have been deeply grieved by the loss of Scott. Not a day has past since his death that I haven't thought of him, his wife, their daughter and his family. I try to imagine what it must be like to wake up in the morning with the realization that he is no longer here as a spouse, a parent, a son, a brother...but I can't. What little I have to offer in the area of spiritual support through prayer and good thoughts I've streamed their way as often as I've thought of them.
Scott will be sorely missed. However, no matter how cliche, he was definitely a bright spot in the world and left this world better than when he came into it, just by being who he was.
I'm certain this is an unconventional way of starting a blog, but none-the-less Scott's really the reason it has started so it seems fitting.
Erik and I met Scott in May of 2001, a few months before we were married. He was the listing realtor for the house that we later bought (and still live in). We were immediately impressed with the house and being new to the home purchasing experience probably didn't conceal our enthusiasm very well. Scott later told us that he knew we were going to make an offer. He said, "It was obvious." We were also impressed with Scott. He was easy to be around, funny, smart and bluntly honest (something that those of you who know me will understand I appreciate). That was the beginning of our friendship with Scott. Even though througout the coming years we didn't actually see him often it was always with delight that we spent time with him, his wife and later his daughter Lexie. Amanda, his wife, is such fun and full of life. Their daugther Lexie, so smart, thoughtful and sweet. One of my most cherished memories of time spent with them was when after many hours of laboring on the new flooring in our living room - Scott, Amanda and Lexie stopped by with the intention of giving Erik some pointers on what to do to finish/fix the floor. They ended up spending the rest of the evening with us. Scott and Erik diligently working on the floor while Amanda, Lexie and I watched Disney movies. I remember telling Amanda how I felt guilty that Scott was spending all this time working on our house and that we hadn't intended for him to do that. She made it clear that it wasn't a bother by saying, "Are you kidding? This is what he would rather be doing."
Despite the fact that our contact over the last several years has been sporadic, I have been deeply grieved by the loss of Scott. Not a day has past since his death that I haven't thought of him, his wife, their daughter and his family. I try to imagine what it must be like to wake up in the morning with the realization that he is no longer here as a spouse, a parent, a son, a brother...but I can't. What little I have to offer in the area of spiritual support through prayer and good thoughts I've streamed their way as often as I've thought of them.
Scott will be sorely missed. However, no matter how cliche, he was definitely a bright spot in the world and left this world better than when he came into it, just by being who he was.
I'm certain this is an unconventional way of starting a blog, but none-the-less Scott's really the reason it has started so it seems fitting.
And so it begins...
During our recent vacation to Orlando my Dad told me that I should spend some time writing. I asked, "You mean like a blog." And he said, "Yes, blog." He is of the opinion that this may help me in my existential journey/angst/fear/uncertainty. I'm not so sure yet.
One of the reasons I hadn't started one before, despite how envogue they've become, was because I assumed I had to have a sense of importance about what I was going to write in order to commit it to type and screen. My husband pointed out to me that no one HAS to read it. So, with that caveat I guess I'll share my thoughts with whomever bothers to read this.
One of the reasons I hadn't started one before, despite how envogue they've become, was because I assumed I had to have a sense of importance about what I was going to write in order to commit it to type and screen. My husband pointed out to me that no one HAS to read it. So, with that caveat I guess I'll share my thoughts with whomever bothers to read this.
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