Feeling festive...

I am really enjoying being in the city this time of year. There is an air of festivity and anticipation that I have not felt for a long time now. It's nice. There are people out and about...there are things happening...I feel like "we" are part of a communal holiday. It's funny how I find myself adjusting to change. Initially after moving 700 miles across the country I found myself yearning for the familiar: my house, my yard, routes and places I have been many times. I still long for that sometimes, particularly on difficult days. But as more time goes by I find myself attaching to new places and things. Mostly what I feel differently about is the future...it looks different but it's not quite as predictable or as limited as I had planned and while at times it's unsettling, it often makes me feel like I'm living in a much more full and present way.

An Emergency Room Anecdote...

You may or may not know that I spent some time, this past weekend, as a patient in an Emergency Care Center and then later an Emergency Room. Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I have spent many hours working in several different emergency rooms so I know that my experience was not in any way atypical.

I arrived at the Emergency Care Center around 2am. I was given a cursory exam. It was determined that I needed some tests (a cat scan and cbc to be specific). I was promptly placed on IV fluids and offered pain medication (which I declined). Nothing remarkable or notable happened for the next couple hours as we waited for my body to ingest the Barium to facilitate the cat scan.

Around 4:45am the cat scan results didn’t appear to indicate a need for surgery but the physician is not confident in making that call alone. He would like me to receive a surgical consult, which he says must be done at the ER and requires me to transfer to another facility. Keep in mind that I am in little to no pain at this point. I am able to move of my own volition and power. But, I too want to be sure that we make the right choice and I agree to the consult. Unfortunately, my husband and I only have one car for our family that broke down earlier that day, not to mention he is at home alone with my 3.5 year old (who is asleep). I explain this to the doctor and tell him I’ll call for a taxi to take me to the ER. He then says, “Oh, you don’t have to do that. You can go by ambulance.” Those of you who are in the medical field probably have a good idea of what this means, not only in regards to hassle, resources and work for the system, but also financially for either, me, the hospital, my insurance, or the state. I express my reluctance to use the ambulance option. The doctor jokes that the taxi is likely to be much quicker anyway and agrees to my plan.

When I was last transported by ambulance (my head wound in 2005) it ended up costing my then lame insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield) about $600 and me another $500. The taxi ride I took this weekend cost $15.

In an attempt to make a long story short I will skip some of the details that lend further evidence (beyond the ambulance debacle) to how inefficient and wasteful the traditional operations of this system are (prescription of iv narcotics I didn’t need, general malaise in processing me through the system, and poor communications between ER staff and other departments). The more disturbing aspect of this whole thing for me is how often when I worked in an emergency setting I saw this very same thing happen to many people who not only didn’t have insurance, but also didn’t have the information to make better choices and ended up receiving services they didn’t need. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are lots of people who definitely do need those services and I am very grateful that they are available. But think how great it would be if those who didn’t need them didn’t get them and we could offer more to those who do.

Many times throughout my most recent experience at the ER I was relieved to know I had insurance, because there are times in my life when I have not. And for those of you who believe that not having insurance is a plight reserved for the illegal aliens, or well-fare families, or just general degenerates of society. I am an American citizen, born and raised in the USA. I am well educated (by most people’s standards) in that I completed an undergraduate degree (nearly two), went on to finish a graduate degree, and have a license to practice psychology. I have never been unemployed for more than 1 month since the age of 14 until I decided to be a stay-at-home mom to my now nearly four year old son. Even then I promptly purchased private insurance; which despite costing over $300/month only partially covered major medical expenses. I guess what I’m getting at is that those of you who stand in your very fragile and precarious ivory tower must have led a charmed life to have no sympathy for those who need the security and assurance that health care provides.

I appeal to your baser instincts in that the waste and inefficiency is costing you money. Those uninsured end up in the ER over and over and over (those of you in the medical field know this is true) and those of us paying our bills and taxes end up paying for that in one way or another anyway.

Why has being a humanitarian and stretching our dollars in different directions now become a concept that is so threatening to people?

This is personal...

…I had a miscarriage in January. This last month has been really hard for me because of that. We would have been bringing our new baby home in early August. Before this happened to me I thought that if you already had a child, a miscarriage, while sad, would not feel as painful as it does for people who don’t have any children. I’m certain there is some truth to that too. However, I think it also leads to different kinds of pain.

Of course I am sad that our family hasn’t been expanded with a new and unique personality. I yearn for the soft little head to cradle in my hands and kiss and nurture and love. What I did not completely expect was the pain I feel when I see other children with their siblings. I feel pangs of loss for my son and the relationship he doesn’t have … and may never have. I somehow feel like I have deprived him of something he deserves in life.

It seems strange how much of my energy now is completely invested in the happiness and success of someone else. I know all of the advice and wisdom out there on how you need to maintain your own identity and priorities in the face of motherhood but the deeper I get into this thing (motherhood) the more I’m not certain that is possible. Don’t get me wrong, I still have things I do, I enjoy and pursue…but it’s not the same…and it probably never will be. There will always be a part of me, as long as I am alive, who is living for my child. This recent loss reminds of that, and in some ways brings to the forefront another mourning in my life; the one for my old self. The one when it was “just me.” The one who went to movies at midnight and slept in on the weekends and planned vacations that did not include “kid friendly accommodations.” The me who went to graduate school and believed that I had time and resources (not money) to do whatever I wanted in life. I miss her.

Ok...I am so tired of this nonsense...

So...I get back from an evening at Chuck E. Cheese...not exactly the type of food I like to feed my family, not exactly the type of entertainment I'm super into but the short of it is that my son had a blast and I had a great time watching him. I log on for my pre-bed Facebook fix and am perusing a friend's posts about the possible healthcare reforms. I'm not really in her camp on this but I make my best effort to respect her opinion. Then I notice that someone I don't know commented on her post saying, "That's what you get for electing a socialist president. Great job America!"

I'm not going to get into some super long explanation for exactly why I find this incredibly stupid, immature, unproductive, short-sighted, narrow-minded and embarrassing. However, can someone please explain to me how it is that we went from having a president who every time he spoke aloud made it more difficult to travel outside of the country without people hating us to having one who seems to be increasing our stature in the rest of the world and yet a huge group of people want nothing more than to go back to what we had before or worse (Sarah Palin)? It seems that a lot of people out there are willing to vote and align themselves politically exclusively based on their own limited understanding of how a given politician might affect the industry they work in. That's a pretty limited criteria for evaluating the health of a nation.

I am fearful of where this country is headed, not because of our politicians on either side of the aisle so much as the division that exists between its people. There are many out there who see this country as having two teams and that you are on one side or the other. I suppose this might be a natural outgrowth of a two party system. The day after the election I wrote a post about how we are not all that different in what we ultimately want. Apparently that post wasn't the earth-shattering, society changing epiphany I hoped it would be. But really people, at what other time in your life have you ever been willing to allow someone else to set up a set of values and opinions for you and you swallow them all hook, line and sinker?

I guess what I'm crying for here is please, think for yourselves. Turn off you talking heads on tv or the radio and think on your own. Evaluate the pros and cons of each plan, of each politician, of each piece of legislation. While you're at it, try to think of someone other than yourself when you do this. Try and imagine what it's like to struggle with something that you've never been confronted with before. It's really easy to be confident in what you believe and what you stand for when you've never had it tested.

As usual, this post is a somewhat disjointed rant. But, I wish that some people out there would just try, just a little to step away from their tradition of intolerance and consider another way of being. Socialist? I am laughing out loud at that one. I don't even have the energy to explain all that's wrong with that statement.

I moved...

Anyone who is bothering to read this probably already knows that I have moved - geographically. Which of course, being who I am, makes me think about how else I've "moved." Most people would describe this move for me as "going home," as I have lived here before and it's quite close to where I grew up. In many ways that's true. In many ways it's not.

When I lived here before I wasn't a college graduate nor did I have a license to practice psychology. When I lived here before I wasn't married, I didn't have a child. I was 21 for crying out loud. I'm 33 now. Am I even the same person? Mostly I am but it's interesting how changing some of those things about the mechanics and make up of my life have changed how I view not only the geography of the landscape but the culture, the people, the values, the politics and the living that goes with it. Places, things and people that seemed exciting, stimulating and fun now seem dangerous and "terrible for families." Places, people and things that used to seem dull, eccentric or uninteresting are now "family friendly," peaceful and comforting. I am finding that I like being places that are familiar to me from my childhood and college days. I am excited to reconnect with events, resources and ideas that are meaningful to me. I also find myself slipping into old habits of road rage and frustration with the density of people.

Having these full circle experiences in life is kind of nice but at the same time reminds me that I'm aging. Having a child makes you think of that a lot anyway, I didn't need the extra reminders. But, the truth is, no matter how hard this ride of life turns out to be, going backward or never changing would never really be satisfying. I am comforted by the fact that I'm capable of appreciating more ways of being not only for myself but for others too. This is because I've "moved."

I believe that thinking and opening your mind is about moving. You go to different places with your ideas and ways of viewing the world and those in it. What amazes me is how many people don't seem to have moved at all, despite having undergone as much change in their lives as I have. How can some who have lived in the same place most of their lives have "moved" but those given every opportunity and resource to "move," never do? I think it's an important question to ask; some of you probably don't, no, some of you definitely don't.

I'm not certain that when I left here 12 years ago that I would have understood how important it would be for me to appreciate differences in the world and more importantly cultivate them in myself. I'm not certain I would have understood how important I think it is for my son to grow up in a world that embraces difference and respects it's necessity for the health of our society. My husband is always saying that being "liberal" (which I guess I am by Fox News's Standards) is an inherently weak position because it is one of tolerance. And, if you believe in tolerance you make room for the bullies who see things in a narrow intolerant way providing space for those who try to eliminate you as an independent thinker. Well, I guess...so be it...I like to move...and those who don't well, you know where to move.

My use of electronic communication might be ruining my life...

Now, I guess I should point out that the medium (a blog) for conveying this message is rather ironic. Regardless I will forage on. Recently I have found myself feeling rather unproductive and short tempered off and on throughout the day for no apparent reason. Well the reason recently became apparent. This past Saturday I decided to be low key and spend the day hanging out with my son at home. We didn’t leave the house once, not even to go the mailbox. I also didn’t turn my computer or ipod on during this time. I spent the day reading, making lunch, eating ice cream, playing trains, planes and automobiles and generally relaxing. We ended the day with a 40 minute soak in the hot tub. I was feeling pretty good as I ushered the kidlet into the shower and shortly after, to bed around 8pm. Then it happened. I turned on my laptop and opened the usual distractions, email, twitter, facebook, cnn, google reader, etc., etc., etc. I immediately felt my sense of peace and accomplishment of a day well spent start to slip away.

Now, being one who subscribes to the tenant that the unexamined life isn’t worth living, I spent some time pondering this. I hadn’t been wasting most of the day, I don’t even spend a majority of my days engaging in those aforementioned computer-based activities. What was it about those things that made me anxious and discontent? Initially I theorized that it was the pressure of keeping up with all of those things, being current, that left me feeling anxious and spent. There is some truth to that but I think there’s more. My hypothesis is that those mediums prevent me not only from living in the moment, but more importantly they prevent me from living in MY moment. With most of those things the initial premise for interacting with them is about me (connecting with my friends, educating myself on current evetents, etc.) but, the end result isn’t. Even when I’m sharing my personal activities through facebook updates and tweets it’s really about someone else reading them rather than about my experience of them.

Basically what I’m saying is that I think a little selfishness and self-focus goes a long way towards being happy. Notice I did say a little. We can’t be all that way and happy can we?

Baggage

This term is thrown around so often and in so many different contexts nowadays that it’s not always easy to know what this term means anymore. Let me tell you what it means to me. Baggage to me is the junk we carry around (literally or figuratively) that in our most insecure moments makes up what we think is reality and who we think we are. I am very deliberate when I indicate it’s what we “think,” in those vulnerable moments; not necessarily what is true.

I realize this sounds complicated. I realize many of you may not have interest in delving into this subject. But it may be worth your time. People change, really they do. Despite the fact that you may believe and feel and act in some of the same ways you did days, weeks and years ago, you’re not the same person you were then. This means you have to make understanding yourself and those around you an ongoing process. This means that sometimes you let go of that baggage you hold onto about yourself and others. It also means you may be disappointed sometimes. They and you may do exactly what they and you did before, but maybe not. Unless you give yourself and others the room, faith, hope and possibility of being different no one never will be, at least not for you in the reality you create.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” It’s true. If you want something different from yourself or someone else YOU have to do something different too. Maybe it’s time we packed up those suitcases with what we’ve always done and incinerate them or something.

One boy's Valentine's Day festivities...

So I dutifully went to the gym this morning, hoping to start my Valentine's Day out right. So, the gym that I go to has an elevated track. Half of the track overlooks the cardio equipment one floor below. The other half overlooks the gymnasium, also one floor below. The cardio equipment was packed and busy as usual. In the gymnasium were a large group of girls, between the ages of 10-14 practicing volleyball. I had been on the track for about 20 minutes when I noticed a young boy, probably about 12, walking in front of me. I was confused to notice that sometimes he would pass me running fairly fast only for me then to pass him a short while later as he was going very slow and kind of hugging the railing. I started paying more attention to his pattern. Eventually it dawned on me. He would run as fast as he could through the section overlooking the cardio equipment then followed by a very slow and attentive stroll that included gazing down into the gymnasium at the female volleyball players. I guess that's one way of enjoying your Valentine's Day! Hope you all have good ones.

When will I stop being so naive?

Generally I don't think of myself as naive. I've seen a fair number of things in my 32+ years. I certainly don't go around expecting the best of people most of the time. However, this last reality check has been a real doozy. Most of you who know me and my family are aware that we've been through some rough times in the last month. I won't reiterate all of the details here but suffice it to say we are reorienting our life in a big way. Those who have put us in this situation have led me to ask the question with which I titled this post. These were my errors:

• I believed the promises they made to me and my family.
• I assumed their interest in me and my family was genuine.
• I gave them the benefit of the doubt when their actions and choices were questionable.
• I failed to heed the warnings their reputations denoted.
• I believed the feelings and energy we had invested in their lives and well-being would be valued.

So...I was had. Now the question is: was it my fault? Should I have known better or would having been that cynical have ruined other things for me?

I'm left with other questions though: when will I stop feeling so hurt, betrayed, angry and frustrated over how I was treated? When will I no longer wake up in the night having imaginary conversations with them trying to help them see how little integrity they have and what a sad existence they have carved out for themselves? When will I look back on this blog post with a sense of peace? When? Anyone have any answers?

Where I work...

So, when I am working (which is only some semesters), I work at Lake Michigan college. The head of the Psychology Department called me today to chat about my upcoming class and see if there was anything I needed. I mentioned how good of an experience teaching there has been for me. She said they needed all the good PR they could muster due to the bad press they had been receiving recently. I hadn't heard of it so I did a little digging. This is article is what I found. Disturbing and annoying.